Blame Game

Job 1:9-12 Satan replied, Would Job worship you if he got nothing out of it? You have always protected him and his family and everything he owns. You bless everything he does, and you have given him enough cattle to fill the whole country. But now suppose you take away everything he has—he will curse you to your face! All right, the Lord said to Satan, everything he has is in your power, but you must not hurt Job himself. So Satan left.

July of 2011 was the first time I have felt like Job.  I am sure if I knew of the story when I was a teen I would of felt it then too.. I remember sitting in the living room reading this book with sadness, with that get sick cry.  Since then I have pushed this book away.. I didn't want anything to do with it.  Nope, I wanted to be Moses, I was not Job.  I was not going to let my emotions hold me down.. Well, during my studies this man kept showing up.. huhhh leave me alone!!!  So a couple of months ago my FB bible group (Soul Sisters on our SOAP boxes) started it up again.. I thought Ok, I am going to do this!!  As I started to read the sadness hit me within the first verse I had read.. I really was struggling trying to read chapter 6, the get sick cry was back.  My kids thought I was dieing because I am holding my Bible and crying like a baby. I wanted to scream. So guess what I put it down and didn't look at that book in the Bible again.  Until, bam there it was in my study before Church yesterday... But this time it was at the end of the book!! Much more exciting and happy!


Job 42:12 The LORD blessed the last part of Job's life even more than he had blessed the first. Job owned fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, two thousand head of cattle, and one thousand donkeys. He was the father of seven sons and three daughters. 

This week I have been struggling with "Did God allow this to happen to our family?"  "Is it Satan and if so where is God?" Why, Why, Why???? With anger might I add.  I was hurt, God is supposed to be so great, yes there will be test, but DO YOU SEE US?  I was so mad.. So I fumed with the questions of the faithful-less all day.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE A PERSON WITHOUT FAITH AND BELIEF... NEVER... It was like salt on my wounds to hear "In God's time", "Be still", "God is in control", "God is teaching you something", "What are you learning?", Learning? I felt I was falling.. I was giving up.. Going to file bankruptcy and hope someone would lease to own a home for our family.. With all hope stolen from me that night I set on my Momma's front porch alone, God and I had a talk.. I begged for forgiveness for being so angry at Him.  I screamed at Satan, I screamed at the house still on the market, I screamed at God..

This morning as I dropped Kayla off at School she walked all the way to the door then turned to see if I was still there and smiled and waved!  I got tears.. How many times have I been rushed by the line of cars behind me and just went on, the moment she hit the school grass?? How many times has she looked back and I wasn't there to wave that wave and see that smile??  This is how I have felt all week.. Like DO YOU SEE US?  He SEE'S US.. HE FEEL'S US!! But by my distractions and hardened heart I am not letting Him fully feel me..  I do feel His presence.  I try to thank Him for lots of things through out my days.. I am always saying Thank you God for this and that.. But what have I done with this and that? Does He feel the 100% me? The sermon yesterday was about His presence not being about us.. IT IS ABOUT DOES HE FEEL YOUR PRESENCE..  If you don't feel Him than I am sure it is because He don't FEEL you.  I am going to be more alert and not be detracted or hardened so that I am sure HE FEELS ME!  I want to see His wave!

Satan, STAY BEHIND ME AND MY FAMILY....

I have to look at my past as great, just as I do with the things I have overcame.. <---- That is the best blessing God could give me!! I can not live as if today or even 5 minutes ago was awful.  I have to set my anger free, so that I will be free.  I have to ask for forgiveness and live for the RIGHT NOW!! I can not be bitter to my husband and kids because of the things I feel is attacking us.  Is God allowing this stuff to happen to us, good or bad?  I don't really care anymore who is to blame.  But I will not fall.. My name is April and I am about all things new, not old or dead!

It is time, or getting time, for our family to have our fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, two thousand head of cattle, and one thousand donkeys. He was the father of seven sons and three daughters.!!!  I have to have faith and believe!  There is nothing else to do!  Without God we really are nothing.. I have never lost my WANT to worship and praise Him.  I have had my bad emotional days, this past week even my doubts.  But I will not stop praising Him.. I hold that very close!

God is not playing a game, He wants us to find Him with everything in us.  I will tune in for forgiveness and remember that His Grace is enough!  (Graig Groeschel)  I will keep on keeping on! But there is going to be no blame here.. reminds me of the game my girls play and it drives me crazy... I am sure God is feeling a little crazy looking at me too!! :)